Study confirms that Lebanon is indeed the centre of the universe

In what has been dubbed ‘the biggest I-told-you-so moment in the history of mankind’, a four-year scientific study has confirmed that Lebanon is indeed the centre of the universe. The shocking announcement sent waves of euphoria throughout the country, and most Lebanese people now feel that they have been vindicated for possessing a sense of superiority that was hard to explain until very recently. Attempts by Lebanese economy travellers to be upgraded to business class have increased by 137% in a few days, signalling a new sense of self-confidence and entitlement.

The study was carried out at the prestigious US East Texas College under the supervision of Professor Michael Bechara, coincidentally of Lebanese descent himself. The research attempted to reconcile quantum theory with the general theory of relativity by developing the assumption that Lebanon is the centre of the universe. ‘Once we made that assumption, all the pieces seemed to fall into place,’ Declared an ecstatic Bechara.


The study was unique in combining astrophysics, biology, sociology and anthropology, in a novel multi-disciplinary approach. The head of the sociology section, Dr Nader Habib, also coincidentally of Lebanese descent, explained the human elements of the research findings. “The Lebanese have perfected the art of marketing over centuries but since they don’t actually produce anything, the only thing they could market was themselves. We have established beyond doubt that this is an evolutionary projection of the fact that Lebanon is the centre of the universe.”

Dr Habib went on to describe various aspects of Lebanese society that had been unexplained hitherto. “Only the Lebanese organise lavish made-up award ceremonies in which Lebanese people win in all the categories. Long dismissed as cheap media stunts, these awards now appear to be an expression of Lebanon’s unique position within the universe.”

He added: “the Lebanese also put a lot of energy into finding minor celebrities of Lebanese origin and proudly celebrating their contribution to mankind. This was completely baffling to scientists before we made this discovery. Now it all makes sense.”

Within a few hours of the study being made public, several Lebanese astrologists claimed that they had predicted this result. Astrology has for long been the strongest branch of science in Lebanon and it has a wide following. One astrologer even claimed that Lebanon will go on to win the next football World Cup, despite not having qualified to the tournament. A short while later, ’Lebanon World Cup 2014’ t-shirts were being sold on the streets of Beirut.

Lebanese Television stations cancelled all regular programmes and replaced them with live discussions about the significance of the historic discovery, intercepted by patriotic songs and clips praising the miraculous nation. In several areas of the country people went out to celebrate in the streets, with some screaming ‘I knew it, I knew it’, and many welcomed the news with fireworks and celebratory gunfire.

The news wasn’t met with much enthusiasm in neighbouring countries with many questioning the study and wondering if the scientists hadn’t missed the real centre by a few hundred kilometres. Palestinians, Syrians and Jordanians were quick to make jokes about the inflated Lebanese sense of self-importance, but there was hardly any scientific basis to such attempts at humour.

Inexplicably, coverage of the study was entirely absent from international media and some people went so far as to suggest that they had never heard of the East Texas College. Lebanese politicians and analysts attributed this to the Israeli lobby’s attempts at marginalising Lebanon and repressing all good news about the country in the media. But the lack of international coverage failed to diminish the sense of excitement gripping the country.

The celebrations were marred however by several armed clashes that broke out in several parts of the country later that night, attributed to disagreements over where in Lebanon exactly is the centre of the universe. This is now expected to become the main issue of contention in the upcoming parliamentary elections, expected to be held sometimes this decade.


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