President Obama Launches ‘The American Mukhabrat’

In a historic move that promises to radically transform the way US security agencies operate, President Obama today officially launched the American Mukhabrat initiative. The ambitious restructuring of all US security and intelligence agencies will become Obama’s flagship policy in a bid to ‘embed intelligence work in a more fundamental way within American psyche and society’.

Speaking in front of a loyal ruling Democratic party audience on the White House lawn, Obama announced defiantly “it’s time to consolidate the piecemeal encroachment on civil liberties and increasing surveillance into a clear formal structure that is unapologetic about its role in defending our freedoms. The experience of our Arab friends and allies will be crucial in implementing this reform and this is why we are calling it The American Mukhabrat as a tribute.”
The declaration stunned Obama’s critics who had expected him to be on the back foot as the extent of US official monitoring of private communications was becoming increasingly apparent. According to high-placed sources, the President decided to seize the initiative and push through an ambitious program of reforms aiming to remodel US security agencies on their Arab counterparts.

The highlights of the American Mukhabrat initiative include breaking down the existing agencies into 37 different security organizations referred to collectively as ‘Mukhabrat’ and the ‘Not So Secret Service’ initiative which aims to instil pride among US security operatives, “who have nothing to hide and should be recognized in public and paid due respect.” Technical advisors from various Arab countries assisted in drafting the reform program and will help usher it through in an its initial three-year inception period.

Speaking anonymously, Colonel Ahmad Hassan, a Jordanian intelligence officer involved with the reform program, discussed the need for visibility of the intelligence community and lectured against ‘the opaqueness of US intelligence-speak’. “If it’s torture, call it torture, don’t come up with a fancy work to disguise. The citizens will always appreciate clarity and openness, don’t act like you have something to hide."

It is understood that Colonel Hassan and his colleagues from Libya, Syria, Saudi Arabia and Iraq had made a number of similar recommendations to the reform program following an extensive assessment of US security operations. While the team of advisors was impressed by the extent of US security agency ‘penetration’ of American society, they were shocked by the self-effacing nature of its agencies and the euphemisms they employed.

“In order for the Mukhabrat to be effective, it must be present and active within the community. There is no point in monitoring phone calls if people didn’t know you were listening in. I would have thought this is basic knowledge, but it’s probably a cultural difference we must overcome. Here’s to a new era of openness, transparency and highly-visible Mukhabrat work in America”, a cheerful Hassan declared.

In his White House speech Obama insisted that the American Mukhabrat is here to stay, arguing that the checks and balances would be provided organically by the natural competition between the 37 intelligence bodies in a ‘marketplace of security and intelligence work’. “It’s a self-regulating system that our allies in the Middle East have used effectively for decades”, Obama announced to the assembled crowd which broke spontaneously at the behest of the Arab advisors into chants of “with our blood, with our souls, we protect you Obama”.

Obama’s appearance projected self-confidence and assertiveness, which some attributed to the full moustache that he had recently grown on the recommendation of the Arab technical advisor team. “It’s the same whether you are in Iraq or America, people respect a man with a moustache.” Said General Abu Ali Al-Magroub, a former Iraqi intelligence officer who is also part of the advisor team. “Look at Thomas Friedman, it’s certainly not his journalistic skills that made him famous.”

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