Dear Britain: A Reply from Lebanon

That looks complicated. We're so impressed

Dear Britain,

We recently received a spam letter from one of your representatives and while we appreciate the effort that went into writing it, you must understand that we are busy and we don’t have time to read advice from former global powers. We have tried to unsubscribe from your spam by replying to the email with ‘unsubscribe’ in the subject line but invariably we keep getting unsolicited advice from your politicians, ambassadors, journalists and Robert Fisk. So we had no other option but to write this letter.

Firstly, let’s address the matter of age. We get the impression that you were talking down to us as a young 70-year-old republic. The key word here is republic, something that still eludes you as you cling to an archaic monarchy and try to pass it off as a national quirk rather than the medieval anachronism that it is.

 

Death in Ramallah, Poirot Investigates Arafat’s Murder

Hercule Poirot paused before he entered the study. The unpleasant encounter with the Israeli soldiers at the gate had irritated the great detective. I didn't come out of retirement to be humiliated like this, he thought to himself. The soldiers had mocked his moustache of which he took great care, and inquired whether he was smuggling any ‘humanitarian aid’ under his bulging waistline. M. Poirot’s demeanour was always a sensitive subject to him, but he wasn’t going to let those goons distract him from the job at hand. His greatest challenge perhaps. He opened the door and walked in.

Exclusive: The Text of Jumblatt's Letter to Bashar al-Assad

As the Daily Star reported today, Walid Jumblatt sent a conciliatory letter to Bashar al-Assad. In an exclusive scoop, we have obtained the full text of this letter that signals major shifts in the region in the coming period.

Dear Bashar,

I am writing you at this critical juncture of the history of the heroic Arab nation, hoping that you will have the foresight and patience to hear what I have to say. Yes, I am indeed back in one of my pan-Arab phases. I don’t understand why people criticise me for those phases that I have, I think of them as the equivalent of Picasso’s periods. They are expressions of my political creativity. ‘Principles, principles’ they say. So boring.

Frequently Asked Questions about Morsi’s Show Trial

We answer questions about the laws and events behind ousted president Mohamed Morsi's trial, scheduled to begin on Monday.

What kind of court will conduct the trial?

Kangaroo.

Are show trials normal in Egypt?

Only when regular trials are inconvenient.

Isn't this against the spirit of the law?

We don’t come to your country and tell you how to run your courts.